Saturday, 1 March 2008

The Anita Blake books by Laurell K Hamilton

Using our sinister network of informants and underground dwellers (Some may have been cannibalistic. Our policy is don't ask, don't tell.) we have managed to get hold of an advance copy of the latest book in the bestselling Anita Blake series, Crapulence Falls, and you lucky people will be the first to see excerpts. It starts at Anita's birthday party...

...when the hum of conversation in the restaurant suddenly quieted I instinctively looked round and grabbed Micah's hand. The reason for the sudden hush was that Jean-Claude had walked in flanked by Asher and Damian leading Jason and Nathaniel on golden choke chains. They were followed by what seemed like half the vampires in St Louis and they were all dressed up to the nines. No wonder the restaurant went quiet, I felt my own mouth drying out at the sight.

Jean-Claude was wearing a deeply scooped neck green lycra top with purple nipple tassels and a vermilion frock coat. A thick mustard yellow belt went over his bright tan leggings. A codpiece shaped like an elephant's head was the final touch. On any other man it would have seemed ridiculous but Jean-Claude made it seem not just right but utterly, utterly masculine. Asher was dressed in...

Eleven pages detailing what everyone was dressed in have been edited for reasons of brevity...

I was so moved by the trouble that they'd all gone to that I almost felt teary. Don't tell anyone. I also felt something else of course. With all the male pulchritude on display it took an effort not to dribble on the table. Embarrassing but true.

"Ah ma petite we have all tried our best but I fear you have outshone us with your beauty once again." said Jean Claude.

"Bullshit" I tried to glare at him but a big silly grin was spreading over my face. He took my hand and kissed it and suddenly something else was spreading through me and it wasn't the least bit silly or funny.

"Ma petite, not l'ardeur. It is too soon" he gasped.

It was. L'ardeur the supernatural hunger that is the gift of Belle Morte that causes its possessor to need endless amounts of sex from many different partners. I was the first human servant ever to be infected with it. Lucky me. I'd fed it from Micah before we left the house and should have been safe for hours yet.

Jean Claude backed away, his inhuman grace for once imperfect. He grabbed Asher for support. Asher knocked into Jason and that was the start. L'ardeur began to spread through the entire entourage like some dark goddess of flesh and desire. I felt hot waves of it crash down upon me. With my last ounce of control I signalled the waiter for more mayonnaise...

A forty page sex scene follows after which Anita talks about how comfortable she now is having sex with seventeen different men, ten of them complete strangers in front of an entire restaurant full of onlookers. Later on Anita has to deal with a rebellious lycanthrope...

...she fell to her knees.

"Please don't do this. Please." she begged, her eyes wide and pleading.

"Anita" said Richard. I knew that his boy scout chivalry was going to get in the way again.

"Richard don't stop me. I am Bolverk for the lukoi. It is my place to punish."

"And I am Ulfric. My word is law."

I grabbed his shoulder and spun him round

"So be Ulfric. If you let her rebellion pass unchallenged you'll lose control of the pack and your followers will be just so much meat. Don't watch if you can't stand it but by God I'm going to do this."

I'd loaded the gun with lead bullets not silver. They wouldn't kill her but they'd really hurt. As I aimed the gun I felt the comforting white static surround me. I sometimes worry that I'm becoming a psychopath but if that's what it takes to keep the ones I love safe then so be it. She screamed as I fired the the bullets into her knees and stomach but I felt no pity. She'd known the penalty for criticising Richard's taste in midwestern architecture...

Finally near the end of the novel, Anita has to confront an heretofore unimaginable evil awakening beneath the city (yes, even more unimaginable than the last one) with only vampire twins The Wicked Truth to help her...

...I felt the waves of cold evil break from the door and I grabbed for all the energy I could draw on, knowing only that it wouldn't be enough. Truth put his hand out to steady me and something amazing happened. I felt the connection I had forged with Truth and Wicked flare like a star. A new and incredible surge of power blew through me even more intense than the new and incredible surge of power that blew through me last week. I opened my eyes and realized that I was glowing with energy. In the dark glass of the window I could see my hair crackling and standing on end, bleached white blond with power. I put my head back and screamed with joy.

Before I could have sex with anyone, a cold and slightly effeminate voice that radiated pure evil interrupted me.

"So Anita Blake, you have become a super saiyan. That will not help you for the great Frieza has powers you have not dreamt of...

Exciting stuff if liable to some copyright problems don't you think. Good luck to Ms. Hamilton who judging by the response to her last few books is going to need it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was fantastic! :)

Anonymous said...

Damn that was beautiful. I'd shake your hand, but seeing as this is the internet...